Category: Random

There are certain people who come into your life, and leave a mark…Their place in your heart is tender; a bruise of longing, a pulse of unfinished business. Just hearing their names pushes and pulls at you in a hundred ways, and when you try to define those hundred ways, describe them even to yourself, words are useless.

Sweethearts, Sara Zarr (via fuckyeahliteraryquotes)

Pulling the trigger

an old blog post

Pulling the trigger…

A friend and I were talking the other week and he said something that, for one reason or another, really stuck with me.

The circumstances and situation we were discussing aren’t even really that important; but the theme really touched me, i think, and i don’t really know why. 

if you reflect on the relationships you have with people, you do start to think about when and if you really ‘cement’ the friendship/relationship. You’re ‘taking it to the next level.”

And it’s funny to me, because with certain people, you can actually pinpoint the moment when you either did something that made you realize how much you wanted that person in your life, or they did something that made you realize that you’re going to keep them around for a while. 

I can’t pinpoint the exact event that was ‘pulling the trigger’ for mallory, mostly because, as she said, it was so long ago. 

With newer relationships, though, I can remember. 

And it’s even stranger to hear someone else tell it. A friend tonight had a completely different event with me than I with him; his was an email I sent in which I was really just being honest, sort of calling him out on something that caused him embarrassment. For me, it was a happy event, when he led a rousing chorus of “Happy Birthday.”

I think it’s interesting, and telling, what people will focus on. 

For one of my friends, I can remember the specific time we hung out one-on-one. We went to a bookstore and a girly movie, and it was the first time we spent time together without a buffer. That was a long time ago, and she’s now one of my best friends.

There are other times; smaller events in people’s lives. I feel like any tragedy will bring people together; I know Kayla and I were close, but the funeral we went to cemented the deal for me, mostly because of how we connected. We were both there in support of men we loved, and neither of us knew the deceased or really knew what to do. 

With romantic relationships, I feel like there IS always a ‘pull the trigger moment.” It can be the first kiss, the first date, the first time you hold hands and really mean it. I know, with the last guy I was involved with, it was an admission that, given the right circumstances, we wouldn’t be able to resist being with one another. And that was a real eye opener for me, mostly because I think I have a good handle on my impulse control.

There are other ones; I told a guy, one time, right before embarking on a long-term, ultimately doomed relationship, that I was afraid of becoming involved because I “didn’t want to lose him again.” (and it’s neither here nor there, but I did.)

When this all initially came up (pulling the trigger), I think my friend was talking about it more in terms of how or when you decide to make that initial first move, the one that changes the dynamic of your relationship.

So really, seriously; how do you decide? Do you decide at all? I know in friendships, it varies; sometimes it’s a variety of small, day-to-day acts; sometimes, there’s comedy or tragedy. I know I have friends that it took a good breakup and subsequent crying fest for us to commiserate about. Otherwise, I couldn’t tell you.

I just know, in thinking about this for the past few days, that I’m glad I pulled the trigger. Each and every one. You can hold the gun all you want, but what’s the point if you’re not shooting?