I didn’t know I’d have to take of my pants on Monday.

I sat in a hard metal chair with tears streaming down my face as the xray tech looked at my chest scans and readied her doodads for the next two scans (wrist and leg).

I was wishing for clear lung scans. If Bob had metasticized to my lungs, we’d have to stop, and start chemo. But if my scans were clear, we could proceed with the new plan, and we’d be in surgery within two weeks.

If you talk to God our some higher power or force, and have ever had something make you really, truly afraid or powerless, you know about bargaining. I explained it (my version, at least) to my mom on the drive home. Yes, you’re making sometimes-empty promises, but you’re also identifying your own shortcomings. It’s one of the truest forms of self reflection there is, I think.

I’m glad I didn’t have any major things to promise. I can say I’ll be better in general, but I’ve already got the major stuff covered.

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